|
| this is the last blog for this xanga.
good bye to this xanga. i'll miss you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
and so the job hunt ends. don't have one. too busy. but it'd be nice to have some money when i need it. the time will come & it's not today... or tomorrow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
in vegas. peace.+ | | |
| Had no homework today so I went job hunting at Tanforan. It's so hard. Frustrated. Discouraged even. I really need this hopefully I get one asap in time for the holidays.
LEO You may not have absolutely everything you want, but you're close, aren't you? Close enough to see that one of your major goals is about to be realized, right? Don't be overanxious. The universe is definitely on your side -- oh, and so is that certain someone you've been attracted to for what seems like forever -- but don't try to rush things along. First off, it won't work. It never does. Nothing happens until all conditions are right.
[[ Let's hope this means I'm getting a job some time soon! ]]
At an upcoming party you will meet someone with surprising ties to your past.
[[ Oh myyy, it's Nic's party tomorrow. If this is true, who could it be? Hmmm. ]]
At the moment, your glass isn't just half full, it's close to overflowing in several departments. Share what you have with others. After all, if whatever we give comes back to us nine-fold, you're due for some serious goodies.
[[ Fingers crossed! I hope so! ]]
-- Next up: Friday. More job hunting, dropping off & filling out applications, and ASB errands for Days of Respect. Serramonte, Tanforan, Metro... here I come. Ugh. Tryna stay positive. Just needa H.O.P.E. & P.U.S.H. I'm trying, I really am.
... this shit is so hard. + | | |
| Five More Feet
gravitational
dirty earth
i want to shed my flesh
so my soul can fly
but the earth's gravitational pull
it forces me to fall
i cry cuz it hurts
slamming me to floor
cutting flesh, making wounds
braking bones, and needing casts
but i stand
5 more feet closer to heaven
and i cry
frustrated wth the fact that
i can't grow wings
those beautiful, feathery things
i may be vertically challenged
but my faith will never be
soaring above all physical means
my backbone to stand
5 more feet tall
but some day i'll fly away
as high as i want
leaving this small bodice of mine
i'll be as tall as i want
higher than any mountain
i won't have to move em
i'll rise, i'll fly above em
but for now,
ill just have be
five more feet tall
little ol' me +
| | |
| It's true that faith challenges you. It's hard and you don't realize
how hard it it unless you've experienced it yourself. It's an act based
on knowledge... not just knowledge alone.
Tonight shed a little more light onto my problems. It's just... I would
like to speak in my own damn house with out being criticized about
every little thing I say. What's the point in speaking then? That's not
me, like Paul said. I'm surprised. SAYG knows me a whole lot better
then I thought. We all got the same problems but each think they
different. At least I know I got people there for me. But there's still
a part of me that's still pissed. I'm so angry. Bitter, I'll admit. But
why does this happen for trying to do right? I'm tired of the good
being persecuted. I want to speak out and scream but no one's trying to
hear the truth so why bother?... again, that train of thought is so out
of my character. I feel like I'm slowly getting there but it'll take
awhile. I still feel lost but a little less burdened. Thanks to all who
were there. I love you guys.='] *biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig hugs!*
Dear Father,
Forgve me for neglecting You, family, friends, SAYG/SALT... the
blessings you gave to me. I lost my mind in the midst of madness and I
need you light to come into my life and shine brighter than ever. I
still want to have you there by my side. I know I am blessed with
amazing people around me everyday and Iask of you to help me remember
thatand of all that I have.
In the trials you have brought into my life, I pray that
you keep me strong and to help me to persevere. These struggles seem to
get harder and harder to endure. I know if you brought me to it you'll
get me through it but sometimes I get discouraged. I ask of you to keep
me steady and to relax and to not worry so much. I will not let your
sacrifice for the world to be forgotten b/c through you will live
as you have given your life up for me. But I'm tired and weak Lord and
I just ask for a break to reenergize
Lord watch over the people closest and dear to me b/c it
kills me to kno i cant be there for them like i used to. it kills me to
know i can't even be there for myself like i used to but i know i'll
get through and i'l make it because of you. thank you for everything.
i'll try my best.
Amen.+
A little faith goes a long way... it BRINGS you a long way, too. A
lifetime. Without it I don't know where I'd be... or who I'd be.+
| | |
| Looking back...
I was reading my old blogs. I've come a long
long way. And what's funny is I remember about 90% of the things I
wrote down. In the very beginning it was hilarious. As I began to read,
it seemed like cycles of spiritual highs, sad times, good times, school
events, kick it days, old SAYG/the evolution of the youth group... oh,
the memories. I was just doing this to get all the poems that I wrote
and put it into my notebook. I don't remember writing some of it, haa.
I'm just tryna remember who I used to be. I used to say that I wasn't
as strong in my faith as everyone said I was... BUT I REALLY WAS. It's
easy to stay on track when nothing is knowcking you down. Compared what
I've been through this year, it takes the cake. I feel so much weaker
than I was now. I don't know I how I did it before but I know for a
fact that I was stronger. At least I feel that way. They say there's
always room for improvement in knowing God but can you decline? I feel
waay far of my path. Maybe I'm on a new one because this feels
completely different to how it used to be.
But what I realized...
The world ain't handing shit out to you. I know many times in the past
& now I feel/felt that people were leaving me or weere so far away.
I guess this is where I can admit that this is where I'm being lazy. I
had to go out and get closer to those people, not wait for them to come
to me. If not, I guess it really was my lost. But there's so many
people and so little time, which time [in it's own way] helped
determine who was going to be there for me through thick & thin.
And I know time is still working that system out of who the true people
in my life are. Time will tell. But let's not rush it. I keep on
worrying about the past I forget to bask in present and the blessings
it holds. I think reading back brought me back to who I used to be...
the aura in my words just helped me remember the knowledge I have - I
just forgot. I need to remember where I came from, what I did, who I
met on this journey we all called life. Thank God for Xanga. Hahaha.
Really though. +
| | |
|
